


Stay

by snurgle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, M/M, Romance, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Smut, Starbucks, Suicide Attempt, suicide drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-02
Updated: 2014-09-02
Packaged: 2018-02-15 21:33:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2244231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snurgle/pseuds/snurgle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Jaeger was tired of everything. He just wanted to end it all. Too bad there were other people in the world who wouldn't allow it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for finding this fanfic and bothering to read it!
> 
> Title was inspired by a Mayday Parade song. Whoops.  
> This is a one-shot. And only the second smut that I have ever written. I have no idea if it's any better than the last one or not. I guess I'll leave that up to you to determine. Go ahead and leave a review if you want to. Favorite it. Follow me on Tumblr. asking-appelia. Do it.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: THIS FIC IS EXTREMELY DARK, HAS SUICIDAL CONTENT AND IS BASED AROUND SUICIDE DRAMA. Do not read if you have problems with this type of material. I am not promoting or trying to romanticize this at all. It's just something that I tend to write about.
> 
> I should shut up and let you read now.

 

 

* * *

 

Eren Jaeger was tired of everything.

That was all he could think as he walked down the lamplit street. He had no idea what time it was. He'd left the house as soon as it had gotten dark, and he had been walking ever since then. It felt like it had been at least two hours. He couldn't be sure, since he hadn't brought his cell phone. He wouldn't need it. Not where he was going.

Eren's worn-out Vans stamped out a slow, steady rhythm onto the pavement. His feet were starting to hurt. The late autumn wind whipped against his face, stinging his skin as if it were loaded with microscopic shards of glass. Eren shivered, pulling his inadequate sweatshirt tighter around him. He didn't know if he could put up with this much longer. He could probably stop somewhere and take a rest for a while. There was no rush. It wasn't much further anyway. He looked up from the ground for a second and scanned the streets around him. He had made it to the center of town, the sprawling grid of store-lined streets and the beating heart of the ridiculously small city that no one but the residents seemed to know about. Every time he'd seen it, it was always crowded and buzzing with energy. But that was during the day. It was coming close to midnight now, and everything around him was dark and empty.

 _Dark and empty_ , Eren thought as he dropped his eyes back to the ground.  _Doesn't that sound familiar._

It had been years since he'd felt anything other than anger at the world. It wasn't like he wanted to feel that way. He didn't have a choice. He'd tried to change things. But it always seemed like everything was out of his control. He couldn't get rid of all the pressure that he had to deal with. He couldn't help being run ragged trying to keep his grades up in school and keeping the house together at the same time. He couldn't make his part-time job at the mall pay him better, or his boss give him better hours so maybe he could get some decent sleep once in a while. And there was nothing that he could do to make his dad come home every now and again.

Not even just to let his kids know he was still alive.

Eren sighed and scuffed his shoe against the pavement as he walked. His dad. This was all his fault.

His dad hadn't decided to leave all on his own. In all honesty, that was because of his mother. But he couldn't blame her. After all, what use was it being angry at someone who was dead?

No one had taken it well. Everything had been so sudden, and nobody in the family had known how to cope. But his dad had probably chosen the worst way to deal with the loss out of everyone else.

_You don't walk out on the rest of your family because one of them got lost. She's dead. Mikasa and I are still alive. Why do you care more about her than either of us?_

Eren bit down on his lip as the words crossed through his mind. He'd wanted to say them ever since his dad had started coming home later and later, but he had never been around to hear them.

_Maybe now you'll start listening._

Eren had been thinking about it for a long time. He had known all too well that something like this couldn't be a spur-of-the-moment decision. He'd felt guilty for even thinking about it at first. Mikasa was working just as hard to cope and move on after his mom had died. She was struggling as much as he was to balance her job with school, just in case one day the checks from his dad stopped showing up on the kitchen table. He couldn't just leave her stranded. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt like this would fix things for her. If losing one family member had separated his dad from them, maybe losing another would bring him back.

Then, of course, there was Armin to worry about. He'd always been prone to getting bullied, and he had always needed Eren and Mikasa to defend him. But he was older now. And Mikasa had always done more defending than him. Other than them, there was really no one else. His extended family was pretty distant. He didn't have many friends. Most of the people at school hated him. Of course, that didn't mean he didn't feel exactly the same way about them.

Especially Jean.

_Fuck Jean. Fuck him and fuck everyone else._

Eren glanced up from his shoes again and scanned the streets. They were just as empty as they had been a few minutes earlier. He wondered if there was even any place to stop at this hour. Everything was closed. And Eren wasn't exactly partial to sitting down in the street. So he just kept walking. There was nowhere to go but forward.

Once he got out of the shops, there would be a long stretch of road before he came to the next town. The bridge was only another seven miles ahead. No one in their right mind would be driving around there in the middle of the night. He'd be all alone. Everything would be nice and quiet.

It would be a perfect place to end it all.

Maybe everything would get better once he was gone. Maybe it would finally force his dad to realize something was wrong and come back to the family he still had left. Maybe Armin would learn to be stronger without him. Maybe Jean would stop being such a...

Eren lost the last threads of his thought when a warm yellowish light appeared in the distance. He blinked and squinted into the darkness.

 _What is that? Is one of the stores still open or something?_  Whatever it meant, he wasn't about to stand around waiting for an answer. Eren pressed his aching feet into the pavement and broke into a run.

The Starbucks was waiting for him just a few blocks ahead.

Eren skidded to a stop just a few feet from the glass-paneled entrance. Questions came spilling into his head. He hadn't known this was a 24-hour location. Why were they open this late? Would it be weird for him to stop in without buying anything?

_And why do I care?_

_Screw it. It'll only be for a little while._

He stepped forward and pushed the doors open.

Inside the shop was almost as deserted as the streets outside. At first, Eren wasn't sure if there was even anyone there to work the counter for the night. Then he noticed the deathly pale girl leaning back against the espresso machine, her blacked-out eyes cast down at her phone. She didn't even look up as Eren quietly pushed the door shut behind him and crept over to one of the tables. He sat down in the back corner, as far as he could get from the dollish barista.  _It figures. The only person they could get to watch the store this late was some lethargic goth girl._

Eren slumped forward and let his head drop onto the tabletop in front of him. The Starbucks was blessedly warm after walking through the November hell outside. His legs felt as if they were going to fall off. He didn't want to keep going. It would be at least another two hours of walking before he got to his destination. And the longer he stayed, the later it would get. But he couldn't go anywhere yet. Not until the numbness in his legs receded.

The Starbucks stayed quiet for the longest time. Eren didn't move from his spot in the back, not even to change positions in his chair. He felt too drained to do anything. For some reason, he felt as if the walk there from his house had taken all of his energy. He couldn't go any farther. His eyelids were starting to feel heavy. He didn't want to get up, he just wanted to stay there and...

Eren sat up with a jolt.  _No. No, I can't fall asleep here. I have to do this. I have to finish it._

As soon as the thought ran through his head, Eren knew he couldn't stay any longer. If he didn't get it over with now, it would never happen. He shook his head, trying to clear the sleepiness away, and pushed back from the table.

The door swung open, and someone walked in.

Eren froze.

His eyes fixed on the darkened glass doors at the front of the coffeeshop. They were swinging closed behind a small, slight young man. He was wrapped up in a black peacoat and dark grey skinny jeans, with a navy scarf thrown around his neck. His undercut of raven-black hair was tousled and unkempt, looking as if he'd just rolled out of bed in the middle of the night and decided to run out for some coffee. Eren watched from his spot in the back as the stranger strode confidently up to the counter. The goth looked up from her phone and silently stepped toward the register.

"Grande Chai Latte, no foam, please," the man said, not waiting for the barista to ask first. Not that she seemed to mind. The pale, apathetic girl simply nodded, stepped back to the espresso machine and started it up to make her only customer's coffee.

Eren moved his eyes away from the stranger and fixed them back to the tabletop. Well, there went the idea of leaving immediately. He couldn't walk out with anyone there to catch him. If someone, even a stranger, got in the middle of what he was trying to do-

A shivering feeling crawling up the back of Eren's neck jolted him out of his thoughts. His head snapped upright and his eyes went instinctively to the counter. And met with someone else's. The stranger at the counter was looking at him.

Eren's eyes widened for just a second before he ripped them away from the man's and went back to staring at the table. He'd been spotted.

Eren let his gaze drift back up to the counter and fix on the man standing there. What was he doing here in the middle of the night? What had he been doing that had messed his hair up like that? And most importantly, why had he noticed him?

It wasn't like that look he had given him was anything special. After all, he was the only one in the coffeeshop other than the barista goth. But the longer he stared, the stronger it grew. He wasn't sure what it was. Only that it felt like there was something inside him that was waking up after lying dead for what must have been forever. The stranger glanced over his shoulder again, and their eyes met for a second. Just one second. Then Eren felt his face start to heat up and he ripped his eyes away again.

"Grande Chai Latte," the barista said mechanically. "That'll be $4.75."

There was a faint shuffling as the stranger pulled the money out of his pocket and handed it to the barista. She took it gingerly in her black-nailed fingers and ran it through the register. "There you go," she said, handing him the cardboard-sleeved cup along with his change. "Thanks for coming in, Levi."

Eren blinked. The barista knew his name?

And it was Levi?

Suddenly the jarring scrape of a chair being dragged across tile grated on Eren's eardrums. He looked up again to see that a Starbucks cup had mysteriously appeared on the table in front of him and that the chair across from his was being pulled back. And the stranger from the counter- no, Levi- was standing beside it.

"No one's sitting here, right?"

Eren stared blankly up at him. His breath seemed to have stuck in his throat, his brain gone haywire and the use of words completely out of his reach. The stranger stared back at him, annoyance slowly seeping into his eyes. They were a mesmerizing blend of blue and grey, Eren noticed.

"Oi. Kid. I asked you a question."

Eren blinked, his mouth moving seemingly of its own accord. "N-no."

Levi dropped down into the chair, not bothering to ask Eren if he could sit with him, or even thank him for the invitation he was never given. He wrapped his hands around the warm paper cup in front of him and took a slow, lazy sip. He glanced down at the table, which was completely empty without his coffee on it. "No coffee for you tonight, huh?"

Eren's heart was stuttering almost as much as his voice. "I- um, I don't have any money with me."

Levi looked back up at him. "Funny that you should come into a Starbucks when you're flat broke."

Eren blinked. It was funny.

_Oh god. He knows something's up. Quick, Eren. The door is right there. Just get up, walk away-_

"What are you doing here in the middle of the night, anyway?"

"I should be asking you the same thing," Eren murmured, a nervous laugh slipping out along with the words.

"I don't appreciate the sass, kid," Levi said impassively, taking another slow sip of his latte. "I'm just out for a drive," he said after a minute. "Had to get away for a while. You know what that's like, right?"

"I- well, yeah, I guess I do," Eren replied.

"Is that why you're here? You just woke up and had to get out of the house?"

"I guess so," he said with a shrug. Well, it was something. And just about anything would be better than the truth.

"You sure like to guess a lot, don't you?"

A tiny jolt of electricity shot through Eren's nerves. "I-I..."

"Something wrong?"

_Yes. Yes, something is wrong. So many somethings are wrong. Everything is wrong._

"N-no, nothing's-"

"Lying to someone you just met is a horrible way to make a first impression, you know."

Eren felt as though his entire body had turned to stone. Levi's words were like a stake that he had just driven directly into his racing heart. He stared straight ahead into Levi's blank, stormy eyes. He knew something. The question was, how much?

"I- I'm not..."

"Yes you are," Levi shot back before he could finish. "It's not that hard to tell. Now if you're finished being an obstinate brat, I'd like to know what the hell it is that you're doing here."

Eren stared blankly at Levi, opening his mouth and closing it when he realized he didn't know what to say. He couldn't lie to him anymore. The piercing grey eyes fixed on his would see through it no matter what he said. He took a deep breath and forced out the first thing that came to mind.

"Why do you want to know?" he asked, a razored edge in his voice.

Levi sighed, letting his eyes flutter halfway closed. "Because I'm curious. Do you need any other reason?" His eyes flicked back up to Eren, piercing him like needles in his flesh.

"I don't talk to strangers," Eren snapped. He dug his feet into the floor and pushed his chair back. He couldn't screw around anymore. He had to leave.

But before he could do any of that, a hand shot out across the table and grabbed him by the wrist.

"Where do you think you're going, brat?"

"Nowhere you have to know about," Eren spat. "Now let go of me."

"No." Levi's voice was steady and commanding. "Not until you tell me what you're doing here. Now sit."

Something in Eren's resolve melted, and he sat back down. Levi's blank, steady gaze delved into him again. Another shiver ran down Eren's spine.

"So," Levi said calmly. "Where were you headed off to in such a rush?"

Eren took a deep breath. "The road bridge. The one out in the woods."

"And why are you going to visit a bridge in the middle of the night?"

"No reason."

"What did I say about the lying, brat?"

"I..." Eren stammered. He shrank back in his chair and stared at the floor. "I don't want to say it."

"Why not?"

"Because it's horrible and it doesn't concern you."

"If it's so horrible, then why are you so eager to do it?" Levi asked.

"Because..." Eren started. Levi reached out and slid a hand under his chin, forcing him to look up. Their eyes met again. Eren's were starting to burn. "Because I have to."

Silence fell between them. Eren watched as Levi took his hand back and wrapped it around his coffee. His skin tingled where the stranger's fingertips had just been. Levi sighed again and took another sip of his coffee, not taking his eyes off Eren for a second.

"What's your name, brat?" he asked after a painfully long time.

"Eren," Eren said breathlessly.

"Eren, when you get to that bridge, are you going to jump off of it?"

The question struck Eren like the icy surface of the water was supposed to be doing by then. "H-how did you..."

"Because I've been there before," Levi murmured. His hand slid across the table and wrapped around Eren's. "Don't do it, Eren. It's not worth it."

Eren wanted to jerk his hand away and hide it under the table, but the feeling of Levi's fingers wrapped around his own wouldn't allow it. "How would you know? You're not me. You wouldn't understand."

"No, I do understand. And I'm telling you now, this isn't the answer. There is another way out of this. You just can't see it yet."

Eren opened his mouth to object, but the words wouldn't come. The warmth of Levi's hand seemed to be melting through the icy resolve that he'd spent months trying to build up. He sighed and slumped over in his chair, letting his head rest on his arm. He felt Levi slip his fingers in between his own.

"Why?" he asked softly. And Eren knew exactly what he meant.

He sat up again, his head hanging forward and his eyes fixed on the table. "It's my dad," he said. "Ever since my mom died, he's pretty much just disappeared. Me and my sister have to work, just in case the money he sometimes sends us stops showing up, and it's hard enough to keep up with school without all of that to worry about too. I only have one friend, and he gets bullied a lot, and me and my sister always have to take care of him, but without me, I feel like he might be better off. Maybe he'll learn to defend himself or something. I don't know. I don't have any family other than them, so no one else is going to miss me, and they'll have each other when I-"

"I said why, not tell me your life story."

Eren blinked and took a deep breath. It shook slightly when he let it out again. "My dad left because my mom died. And I figured that if I die, he'll finally see that something is wrong and it'll bring him back."

Everything was silent for a second. And then...

"That is the worst logic I have ever heard."

Eren looked up, his eyes fixed indignantly on Levi's. "What?"

"Why do you think that killing yourself is going to make any of this better?" Levi asked rhetorically. "What if it doesn't work out the way you think it will? Maybe your dad will only get driven further away with you out of the picture. Your sister will end up on her own. And that one friend of yours might just end up defenseless." He paused to sip from his latte again. "There's no point in sacrificing yourself for something that might not even happen."

Eren tightened his fingers around Levi's. "But that's the only way out I can think of. Do you expect me to just stay where I am and do nothing?"

"No, I expect you not to do something stupid and find another way to fix things," Levi replied. His eyes flickered down to their intertwined hands. "The thing is, Eren, you never know how things are really going to turn out. You can give it your best guess, and you can do whatever you want to ensure the outcome, but when it all comes down to it, there's no way to predict the future. You always have to think; what might happen if this doesn't go the way I think it it will?"

"I... I never thought about it that way before."

"Of course you didn't. If you did, then you wouldn't be sitting here on your way to jump off a bridge."

A soft, breathy laugh slipped past Eren's lips, dead and humorless. He kept his eyes fixed to the tabletop, ignoring the tension in the back of his neck that Levi's eyes triggered or the small flutter of warmth that stirred in his chest when the man's fingers gave his a reassuring squeeze. He couldn't believe he was almost changing his mind after making it up months ago.

"What makes you think," Eren whispered, more lifeless laughter in his voice, "that just because you stop me tonight, I won't go out and do it again?"

"Oh. So that's the case?" Levi replied. He lifted their hands from the table and held them up for Eren to see. "Then I will show up at this Starbucks, at this exact time, every night from now on until you give up and decide that you want to live."

Eren's eyes locked with Levi's again. "And what if I never do?"

Levi lowered Eren's hand and unlaced their fingers. A twinge of remorse ran through Eren at the disappearance of the touch that had been so warm and reassuring. But it died out soon enough. Levi leaned forward over the table, cupped Eren's face in his hands and tilted his head back. And then Levi's lips were on his.

A tiny gasp escaped him, but it was silenced by the sudden touch of Levi's mouth over his own. A hot, slimy feeling swept past his parted lips, ran delicately over his tongue and retreated. Eren's mouth reflexively closed, but Levi's lips stayed where they were, moving against his in a soft, steady rhythm until Eren's mouth opened again. A sweet, spicy taste filled his mouth, and Levi's tongue came back, exploring him until Eren started to push back. Eren found himself reaching up and overlapping Levi's hands with his own. A small, whispering moan slipped out of him before he could stop it. And all of a sudden, Levi's lips were gone. Eren's eyes flew open to see the his face, just inches away from his own, his hands still cupped around his cheeks and tangled in his hair.

"Then I'll just have to give you a reason to live," Levi whispered.

* * *

Everything turned into a haze after that. Eren remembered finishing off whatever was left of the latte Levi had bought, letting the empty cup fall to the floor as they pulled each other over the tabletop and kissed mercilessly, Levi dragging him away from the table and through the door. There was a car out front that hadn't been there before. Levi unlocked the doors, and Eren had fallen in, taking Levi with him. All the rest had been lost.

Eren's anger disappeared when Levi pushed him back into the passenger seat and secured his mouth with his own. The hate melted away as their tongues collided again. His will to die was shed like the clothes that they tore off of each other and let fall to the carpeted floor. The sadness shattered with every kiss, every touch, every whisper and moan that he elicited from the young man who had been a stranger to him once. But he couldn't remember when anymore.

Eren didn't know what he had been thinking. He couldn't save everyone else by killing himself. He'd hated Levi when he had tried to stop him before. But now all he knew was his warmth and his touch, the smell of his skin, his sweat, the sound of his voice as he moaned Eren's name over and over, and the way it felt when Levi was inside him. It didn't hurt as much as he'd thought it would. Then again, nothing could have hurt as much as what he was feeling before Levi had shown up.

He took him in the passenger seat of his car. Twice. And by the time it was finally over, the both of them were lying together in the backseat, Levi's head resting on Eren's chest, both their bodies stripped, exhausted and soaked in sweat. Eren watched with sleepy eyes as the sun started to creep over the horizon. He was glad he had stayed long enough to see it.

"It sounds beautiful," Levi whispered.

Eren blinked and glanced down at the young man lying on top of him. His eyes had been closed for such a long time. He'd thought he was asleep. "What does?" he asked.

"Your heart," he replied softly, nuzzling his head against Eren's chest.

Eren let out a soft, breathless laugh. "You really think so?"

"Yeah. I do." Levi looked up at him, his eyes hazy and half-closed. He placed a hand in the middle of Eren's chest. "Do you feel that?"

Eren slid his hand underneath Levi's and waited a few seconds, their eyes inescapably locked. "Yes," he whispered. "Yes, I feel it."

"I want you to keep it that way," Levi said. "I want you keep it that way for as long as you possibly can. Do you understand?"

Eren nodded. Levi pulled himself up towards Eren's face and placed a soft, sleepy kiss on his lips. "Good," he whispered, and he slipped back down, cradling his head in the curve of Eren's neck.

"So what happens now?" Eren asked absently.

Levi's reply whispered across his skin. "What do you mean?"

"Is it just going to end like this?" Eren murmured, staring bemusedly out the window as the sun crawled slowly higher in the sky. "I don't kill myself, we bang in your passenger seat and you disappear? Is that how all of this is going to go?"

"Is that how you want it to go?"

"I... I don't know." Eren looked back down at the man lying on top of him. "But I don't just want to forget you after this."

"There's no rule that says you have to. We could just part ways here and never speak of this to anyone. Hell, I could walk out of your life completely and you can still remember me." A smirk tugged at his lips. "And our little one-night stand."

Eren sighed, a tired laugh crossing his lips. "I'll figure it out eventually."

The car was silent for a while longer, save for the soft, steady noise of their exhausted breathing. A few minutes later, Eren spoke up again. "Hey, Levi?"

"Yeah, brat?"

"How did you know that I was... what I was going to do?"

"Well, you were sitting coffee-less in a Starbucks in the middle of the night. I'd think that would be a red flag to anyone."

"I know, but I could have been there for anything. How did you know it was... that?"

Levi sigh brushed against Eren's shoulder. "Did you miss what I said to you back in the Starbucks or something?"

_Because I've been there before. Don't do it, Eren. It's not worth it._

Eren inhaled sharply, jostling Levi's head by accident. "You mean... you were..."

"I was, at one point," Levi murmured.

"But... why?"

"Same reasons as you. Only it was both my parents that were six feet under. And I was getting myself into a lot of deep shit trying to stay alive. If Erwin hadn't caught me before then, we probably wouldn't be-"

"Erwin?"

"Yeah. Erwin," Levi repeated. "He's an old friend of mine. He saved my life back when I was seventeen. I didn't want him to. Back then, I hated him so much for it. But it's been a long time since then."

"Oh," Eren breathed. He didn't know what else to say. His fingers tangled into Levi's silky black hair, pressing his head into his shoulder.

"Why were you at Starbucks in the middle of the night in the first place anyway?"

"I already told you. I was out for a drive. Erwin still keeps close tabs on me, just in case seventeen happens all over again. But I still like to disappear on him sometimes. I do it to piss him off from time to time. It's fun."

"Were you going anywhere?"

"Well, there's this outlook about two hours from here. It's out by the ocean. The view is amazing there. I would have made it just in time to watch the sunrise." He smiled against Eren's skin and emitted a soft, whispering laugh. "But I'd say that this just about makes up for it."

Eren readjusted his position on the car door. His spine was starting to ache, but he didn't care. He just wanted Levi to be comfortable.

"So why did you do it?"

"What do you mean? Saving your sorry ass, or fucking it?"

"Either one, really."

"Because I couldn't stand to see someone else putting themselves through the same shit that I did." Levi smirked again. "And I knew that dragging you in here was the only way I could get you to stay."

Eren couldn't help the smile that came creeping onto his face. "You want me to stay?"

Levi propped himself up on his elbows, his mercurial eyes gazing into Eren's. "Of course I want you to stay," he said softly.

And a second later...

"Do you want me to?"

"I do," Eren breathed.

Even though his face didn't change, Levi's eyes lit up. "You have a pen on you, brat?"

"Um... I didn't bring anything with me when-"

"Wait. No worries, I've got one." Levi crawled over the gap between the seats and reached into the passenger side, dragging his jeans into the backseat. He fished around in his pocket and pulled out a black Sharpie. He quickly took the cap off with his teeth and scrawled out a line of numbers across Eren's chest.

"What is that?" Eren asked.

"Your new suicide help line," Levi said, recapping the Sharpie and throwing it into the passenger seat. "Otherwise known as my cell number. If you ever start feeling like this again, just give me a call. It doesn't matter when. I can meet you at the Starbucks again, if you can't think of anywhere else." He looked up at him, his eyes bright. "Maybe we can go see the ocean together sometime."

"The ocean," Eren murmured. "That sounds nice."

A smile crossed his lips, and Levi leaned forward to kiss him.

He was glad he'd decided to stay.


End file.
